[Fwd: dave barry (fwd)]

Duncan (dchiu@mail.idt.net)
Sun, 29 Sep 1996 15:13:25 -0700


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Since I am at it, I thought you might enjoy the fwd mail from my son at
u. Delaware --- my wife just became computer literate, the message was
ment for her.
It is his first year there. Within the last three weeks he has changed a
course and searching for a different major. I guess it is called growing
up, right?
duncan

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Date: Sat, 28 Sep 1996 14:50:55 -0400 (EDT)
From: Dave <scoobyfo@UDel.Edu>
To: The Fam <dchiu@mail.idt.net>
Subject: dave barry (fwd)
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I think you guys might enjoy this thing from Dave Barry....

>
>Part I: Words For Nerds
>
>T he computer world has a language all its own, just like Hungary, the
>difference being that if you hang around with Hungarians long enough,
>you eventually start to understand what they're talking about; whereas
>the language used in the computer world is specifically designed to
>prevent this from happening.
>
>
>Nevertheless, there are certain basic computer terms that you need to
>try to familiarize yourself with, so that when you go to purchase a
>computer, you don't sound like just some random putz. Instead, you'll
>sound like a specific putz who memorized some terms out of a book.
>
>
>BASIC COMPUTER TERMS
>
>
>HARDWARE
>
>This is the part of the computer that stops working when you spill
>beer on it.
>
>
>
>
>SOFTWARE
>
>These are the PROGRAMS that you put on the HARD DRIVE by sticking them
>through the little SLOT. The function of the software is to give
>instructions to the CPU, which is a set of three initials inside the
>computer that rapidly processes billions of tiny facts, called BYTES,
>and within a fraction of a second sends you an ERROR MESSAGE that
>requires you to call the CUSTOMER SUPPORT HOTLINE and be placed on
>HOLD for approximately the life span of a CARIBOU. Software is usually
>accompanied by DOCUMENTATION in the form of big fat scary MANUALS that
>nobody ever reads. In fact, for the past five years most of the
>"manuals" shipped with software products have actually been copies of
>Stephen King's THE STAND with new covers pasted on.
>
>
>
>
>MEGAHERTZ
>
>This is a really, really big hertz.
>
>
>
>
>RAM
>
>This is a shorthand way of referring to "ROM." The unit of measurement
>for RAM is the "MEG," which stands for a certain amount of RAM." The
>function of RAM is to give guys a way of deciding whose computer has
>the biggest, studliest, most tumescent MEMORY. This is important,
>because with today's complex software, the more memory a computer has,
>the faster it can produce error messages. So the bottom line is, if
>you're a guy, you cannot have enough RAM. BILL GATES currently has
>over 743 billion "megs" of RAM, and he still routinely feels the need
>to stuff a ZUCCHINI in his UNDERWEAR.
>
>
>You should use the preceding terms whenever you have to "interface"'
>with computer experts. For example, if you're purchasing a new
>computer, you want to use as many of these terms as possible, so that
>store personnel will realize that they're dealing with a person who
>has a high level of technical expertise:
>
>
> STORE PERSONNEL: May I help you?
> YOU: I'm looking for a "hard drive" with plenty of "RAM" in the
>"megahertz."
> STORE PERSONNEL: You want the computer store next door. This is a
>supermarket.
> YOU: Let me see your "zucchini."
>

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