E-strategy "a complete success"

The University's much slated "E-strategy" was branded a complete success last
night.  The strategy, which begins and ends with putting a computer network
connection in every student bedroom, has exceeded all expectations.  "It's
fantastic", commented University Self-Publicity Officer, Peter Dunce, "The new
students are staying in their rooms, downloading mp3s, dirty pictures and
pirated movies.  This time last year, freshers were going out to the union,
getting drunk and missing lectures.  But now we can broadcast lectures on
warwickpiazza.net so that they have no option but to see them.  Because they
are going out less, they are making fewer friends and having fewer
relationships, thus freeing up more time for them to study."

This is phase one of the estrategy.  Phase two will include the deferred and
very stupid idea of forcing every student to purchase their own laptop.  All
lectures will be conducted over the internet, and students will be able to
order Rootes food direct to their rooms, so that they never need to leave them.
To ensure that this is the case, students will be locked inside their rooms,
unable to leave until July. 

In phase three, students will be physically wired into the computer network,
with wires feeding information directly into their visual processing cortex.
Pipes into the stomach will bring food and remove waste.  Casually dressed
lecturers will be replaced by black-suited Learning Agents ensuring maximum
information throughput in the Learning Matrix.  Students will live their entire
lives within this simulated computer environment, as virtual slaves of this
huge artificial intelligence.  According to Dunce, "Warwick will be a pioneer
in this brave new world of subjugation and suffering."

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Frequently Asked Questions about the E-stategy:

What resources are there on the internet for students?

Many students make use of email, IRC, instant messaging, and other chat
programmes to keep in touch.  Useful websites include
www.downloadessayshere.com ; www.wedoyourhomeworkforyou.com ;
www.cheatersparadise.com and www.naughtydirtypictures.com

What is e-learning?

E-learning is a buzz phrase used by overenthusiastic administrators who can't
even read their own email. 

What is portal?

A portal is a window in a boat.

What is the matrix?

The matrix is a combinatorial structure in linear algebra.