Faded down music reveals audience's ignorance

During the closing minutes of last week's Top Banana, it was revealed that the
amassed crowd were stunningly ignorant of the lyrics to a song which they
supposedly love.  As "Can't Take My Eyes Off You" was faded down by the DJ,
encouraging the crowd to join in, a confused mish-mash of the original words
was half-remembered.

Initially, it seemed that things were going well, as almost everyone could
remember the line "I love you baby", although only a little over half recalled
that this is followed by "and if it's quite all right."  Almost no one knew
that the next line was "I need you baby, to warm the lonely nights".  Most
people stuck to what they knew, and reiterated the sentiment that they loved
you, baby, and if it was quite all right.

Things looked up for the next couplet, when for once "I love you baby" was
correct, and several people did know that this was followed by "trust in me
when I say,".  However, a majority of drunken singers then reverted to "I love
you baby", before giving up any attempt to embarass themselves with further
lyrical mistakes, and instead sticking to the tried and tested "la la la la-la,
la la la la la la, la la la la-la, la la la la la la".

Critics were quick to comment on this inability to sing the classics.  One
postgraduate remarked, "In my day, we used to finish Top B with a word perfect
rendition of all fifteen verses of American Pie, and if anyone got even an
aspiration wrong, then they were roundly ridiculed for the rest of the term.
The last song of Top Banana is an institution, and it's important to get it
right since we sing it loudly and drunkenly all the way home.  What will other
people think of students today if all they hear is the line "I love you baby,"
repeated over and over again at high volume?".

Professor Andrew Oswald blasted this response, and pointed out that in *his*
day, there was no Top Banana, and instead students would recite Wordsworth's
Prelude of an evening whilst huddled round a brazier in the library, burning
copies of Keynes' General Theory to keep warm.

Top Banana has recently been promoted with the phrase, "If you can't sing it,
we won't play it."  This is clear evidence that "Can't take my eyes off you"
should not have been played.  In fact, a survey showed that there is not a
single song on the Top Banana playlist that anyone could correct recall the
lyrics of, and therefore in future, Top B will consist of four hours of
silence, broken by occasional embarassed coughing. 

A representative from the Student Union said that they were looking into ways
to tackle this problem, including projecting the lyrics onto the wall of the
cooler, running a course on the subject as part of the Impact! training
programme, or tattooing the words onto every student's forearm.