NEWS IN BRIEF

Futile attempts to open jar "must have loosened it"

A jam jar was finally opened after its owner gave up and handed it over to a
kitchenmate, who twisted the lid off with ease.  Prior to this, the owner had
tried for some time to open the jar without any luck, including running it
under hot and cold water, using a tea towel and washing up glove to increase
their grip, and grasping the jar between their kness, all with no success.
However, the owner immediately claimed that these pathetic attempts at opening
the jar had "loosened the lid", thus explaining the apparent ease with which it
was opened by the kitchenmate.


Geography test

According to a recent survey, 75% of Warwick students are unable to find the
university on a map.  The other 25% are unable to find a map.


Schoolgirl uniform causes mixed emotions

PGCE student Tom Tomclub experienced a variety of emotions when he saw his
fellow students dressed up as schoolgirls at an Almost Teachers social at Top
Banana last week.  "At first I was quite turned on by the sight of all those
young women in short skirts and tight tops," he explained.  "But then I
realised that very soon I would be in schools, teaching teenage girls dressed
in a similar manner. Is it right for society to fetishize the innocence of
youth, or for me to be excited by adults pretending to be children?  If I pull
tonight, will I be betraying the burden of trust placed on me as a teacher?"
Tom's dilemma was ultimately solved for him since he didn't even get close
to pulling anyone that night. 


Students demand better lighting to residences

Amid concerns of personal welfare, students are demanding better lighting
for the dark paths back to their rooms.  "It's often so dark you can
hardly make out the people walking next to you," explained one female
student, "and sometimes I think I've pulled a really fit bloke, only to
find out when we get back to my place that he's pig-ugly.  Decent street
lighting would allow me to see this earlier and dump him before my kitchen
mates see him."