Search for new famous graduate begins

The University is currently looking for a new famous graduate of Warwick to
promote to students.  The previous two famous graduates, Timmy Mallett and
Simon Mayo, are no longer famous enough: Mayo has left his high profile morning
slot on Radio 1, and despite last ditch attempts to raise his profile, new
students are now officially too young to remember seing Mallett on Wacaday.  

It is hoped that a new candidate can be found to be the one person that people
have heard of who was at Warwick.  Although there is no shortage of
accountants, IT specialists and management consultants who studied at Warwick,
not one of them is remotely interesting.  

Rumours abound that maybe Frank Skinner, or that bloke with the curly hair off
of the bank adverts, Jonathan someone, was at Warwick are as yet unconfirmed.
It is hoped that someone can be found who will live up the C-list celebrity of
Mayo and Mallett, and preferably will have once written one article for the
Boar or been on one show on RaW, so that they can go on and on about this
incessantly at every freshers' fair from now until eternity. 

Crap celebrities who were at Warwick can write to the Vice-Chancellor for the
post of Official Person From Warwick That Your Mum Has Heard Of, enclosing a
copy of their degree certificate (thirds or best first in their year only,
please).  A retainer of twenty pounds a year is payable to the holder.