What the paper says
8 Decemember '98
Top news in this week's Warwick Boar is the abysmal lack of publicity for
the last batch of union elections. A boar hack explained:
"Apart from the adverts in the boar and the word, polling times posters,
word election special, hustings, candidate posters and publicity, boar
elections pullout, manifestos booklet and referendum book, six polling
stations in prominent places around campus, huge posters, sabbaticals in
animal suits, balloon releases, town criers, and regular newsflashes on
national radio and TV, there was no indication that there were any
elections going on at all," he said, while sporting this season's
fashionable 'white cane and guide dog'-look.
In closely related news, the Boar was shocked and ashamed to discover that
many students don't know who runs the union, or what they do, apart from
Jo Scaife, whom 90% of students identified as "that dizzy blonde who tries
to get herself in the boar at every possibly opportunity." While only 10%
of students could name the vice-chancellor as Sir Brian Follett,
this is because many of them confused him with Sir Bertie Bassett, the
cartoon character made out of liquorice allsorts.
The boar ended its damning report on student ignorance of who is running
the union and lack of publicity for elections by not revealing who was
elected in last week's polling.
But all of this idle chatter pales into insignificance when compared to
this week's scandal, that MTV has been replaced by news in the library
coffee bar.
One finalist moaned "This has taken away the freedom of choice and imposed
boring, predictable news which repeats every hour. We demand boring,
predictable MTV which repeats every hour instead!"
However, it seems that a compromise solution may be possible in the form
of CNMTV, a new digital channel which caters for the minority audience who
want to hear the news presented in the form of reworked 80's pop songs.
Here, by way of illustration, is CNMTV's reporting of the Pinochet affair,
set to the tune of Madonna's 'Holiday':
(Pinochet! Extradite!)
(Pinochet! Extradite!)
If we punish Pinochet
Lock him up, incarcerate
For the rest of his life
It would be, it would be so nice
Everybody spread the word
We're gonna have an extradition!
All across the world
From every nation
He must endure some bad times,
To make up for the tortures, oh yeah.
Even though he is not well-a
Lock him up in prison cell-a
And punish Pinochet!
If we punish Pinochet
Lock him up, incarcerate
For the rest of his life
It would be, it would be so nice
etc.
Students were quite literally surprised last week, when the bus stops were
moved around the corner a bit, according to the Warwick Boar. A man who
has been standing near the their new locations for the last year for the
purpose of one crap gag commented "It's always the same - you wait ages
for a bus stop, then two come along at once".
The Warwick boar this wek reports on the biggest threat to humanity ever
faced - the millennium bug. The bug is a small insect which infects
computers, and eats their memory. This means that when the year changes
from 1999 to 2000, computers will think that it is 1900, with disasterous
effects: Queen Victoria will be back on the throne, cloth caps will be
back in fashion, and the computers which causes this mess won't be
invented for another eighty years.
Already the effects of the bug are being noticed, with computer-produced
newsppaers like the boar being infiltrated with tedious features about the
millennium, even though it's over a year away. But people are not taking
this lying down: apparently Peter Mandelson has been consorting with a
group of de-millennium buggers to ensure that his dome is not penetrated
by the bug.
I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray, but this
week's boar reports a dramatic advance in ents - you can now buy tickets
for next term's events at the end of this term. What will they think of
next? Our reccommendation has to be Quench, featuring Radio One's
'Dangerous' Dave Pearce. Tickets are a pricey ten quid each, but buy a
pair in advance, and you can save one whole penny, so you can party like
it's nineteen-ninety-nine!
1 December '98
Top news in this week's Warwick Boar is that the University may act if the
Student Union steps outside the law. This shocking revelation was
accompanied by more, including that the Union will receive no profits from
the Costcutter supermarket, which has nothing to do with the Union. The
intrepid Boar reporter enquired about how much freedom the union had to
organise entertainments (or "ents" as they are quaintly known). While
agreeing that conceivably this might be allowed, the University
spokesparty said this would be subject to approval, explaining
rhetorically "but what if you wanted bull fighting?"
UWBFOBSS, the University of Warwick Bull Fighting and Other Blood Sports
Society reacted angrily to this statement. "We are a legitimate Union
society, how dare he pick on us like this," squeaked president Terry
Moustetrap. "As it happens, we were planning our first full union event.
We reckon that the marketplace would make a fantastic bull ring, and
spectators could watch from the balcony, so it would all be quite
safe."
This also scuppers the society's plans to sell the carcus of the dead bull
in a charity auction in the Cooler. Jo Scaife commented "We don't want
the cooler turning into a meat-market. Unless it's for Top Banana"
The Warwick Boar this week reports further anger over the Westwood dining
scheme, which students complain is overpriced and offers a poor range of
food. The scheme, whereby Radio 1 rap DJ Tim Westwood provides meals and
snacks for the residents of the accommodation named in honour of him, has
come under attack from those taking part.
"There are hundreds of us, and only one of him, and he simply can't keep
up with the demand" moaned one student, "And there's no chance of getting
any breakfast at weekends, because he's tired from doing his radio 1 show
the night before."
A university spokesmouth literally leapt to the DJ's defence: "Timothy is
a very successful young man, and we like to encourage our staff to
maintain outside interests, such as hosting regular national radio
programmes. We do not believe that this affects his ability to make
sandwiches."
A third year historian was less understanding. "It makes no sense for
someone with a blossoming career on national radio to be running the
catering scheme. Why doesn't the university get someone like Kevin
Greening to do it? He must have a load of free time since he was kicked
off the breakfast show."
More radio related news in this week's Warwick Boar, and apparently
factually entitled W963 is changing its name to RAW, and no one seems in
the least bit bothered about it. Before the news was leaked by the Boar,
station DJs were under strict instructions: "Don't mention the RAW". In
fact, there is some dissent within W963, as it will no longer be, with
some members murmuring "RAW - what is it good for? Absolutely nothing".
They dismiss the idea for the image change as being half-baked, especially
the plans to employ World War II propagandist Lord Haw-Haw to present a
programme where he and a group of old prostitutes and war veterans stop by
student residences and look around. It will be called "Lord Haw-Haw's
Sore Whores and War Bores pause for more tours of your floors"
It's elections time, according to the Warwick Boar, and heavy reporting
restrictions apply, so we can't tell you what we think of the candidates
while polling is going on at this very minute. The election propaganda is
accompanied by a snappy new slogan: "u vote - u decide". Traditionally,
we have been encouraged to decide *before* we vote, but if they want us to
do it the other way round, who are we to argue?
Hackwatch this week focuses on the Boar, and the increasingly incestuous
relationship between the old and new editorial team. This week an
editorial goes to special lengths to praise ex-deputy editor Jon Stubbs
who, despite having retired, still manages to get about half a dozen
articles in. Ugh - all this cliquery is making me sick.
24 November '98
Top news in this week's Warwick Boar is that there exists a User's Charter
which details students' rights, but that no one seems to actually have a
copy. In fearless investigative journalism style, we trotted over to
Senate house, and asked whether students could get a copy.
"Yes, the charter is freely available on request" replied the literally
faceless university representative.
Well, could we have a copy, we asked.
"What's the magic word?" came the reply.
Please? we suggested.
"No, you don't understand. The charter is freely available to anyone who
knows what the secret password is." she explained
We asked where we could find what the secret password was.
"That's simple: it's in the University User's Charter, which is freely
available on request." she trilled back.
Changing tack, we pointed out that surely we had a right to know what was
in the charter.
"Of course: it's all laid down in writing."
Sensing that we knew the answer already, we asked where we could find
details of what we had a right to know.
"That's simple: it's in the University User's Charter, which is freely
available on request."
We asked if there was any other way of getting hold of the charter, and
were surprised to be told that it was also freely available on the
internet.
So we traipsed off to CSV to look on the world wide wire. After an hour
in front of the monitor, we had managed to log on. Another hour later,
and despite searching the entire Warwick website, we could find no sign of
the charter online anywhere. Once more we returned to the enquiries desk
of the Senate house, and demanded to know where the website was.
"Oh, it's cetainly all there on the internet," we were told. "It's just
not in one place. We took the charter, broked it down into the individual
words, and placed them randomly around the university site and the rest of
the internet. But it's all there, if you know where to look."
Leaving the infuriating receptionist in a bloody pulp on the floor, we
tried another approach, and started looking for someone who had read the
charter and could tell us what was in it. There were many literally dead
ends: one ex-union hack who had read it had been tragically killed in a
horrific accident involving a poisoned umbrella while waiting for the bus
to Leam; Jo Scaife claimed to have read a copy, but it turned out that
she was talking about "Peter and Jane have fun in the park". Finally, we
tracked down Derek Shayler, a turncoat member of the University, who is
living in France and has just beaten off an extradition order from the
University authorities.
"The user's charter is just that", he explained, "it's a guide to how to
use the university. It tells you how to appeal against exam results, how
to get your free ale ration, how to get into the white pyramid thingy
outside the arts centre, and where all the secret passages are. Of course
they don't want that kind of information falling into the hands of the
students - for one thing, it contains the instructions for the
university's strategic nuclear defence weapons. Would you trust an
eighteen year old mathematician with that kind of power?"
He then promised to tell us where he had hidden a copy of the charter, and
went to the window to open the curtains and let some more light in. As he
did so, a shot rang out, and he fell to the floor. His last words were
"It's buried under the... uh... uh..." But then he died, and so once more
the University's terrifying secrets are safe - for the time being.
This week's Warwick Boar reports on the radical and exciting proposals
from the environment committee. A successful experiment in recycling took
place during environment week, or "What environmental awareness week?", to
give it its full title. Despite accusations of being slow to achieve
anything, the committee pointed out that the experiment took place barely
a decade after scientists discovered "the environment", and invented
recycling to solve the problems it caused.
To persuade the university to take up recycling, one member proposed
dumping a load of rubbish on the senate house, but the committee
eventually decided on the marginally less radical tack of writing a letter
to the authorities. This approach is clearly working: on receiving the
letter from a bunch of students telling it what to do, the university
immediately recycled it.
There was a vital report in the Warwick Boar this week on the dangers of
Carbon Monoxide poisoning from faulty gas appliances. It listed the
symptoms as "headaches, sleepiness and general lethargy." On reading
this, three hundred English students immediately checked into the health
centre with suspected carbon monoxide poisoning.
[boom-boom]
An article in this week's warwick boar noted the relatively low turn out
at a london march against tuition fees organised by the Socialist Working
Student Society, or "hardcore commie nutters" as they are known for short.
The reporters wondered if students didn't attend because they were
secretly in favour of tuition fees.
I talked to some second and third years who confirmed this. "It's true, I
really want to pay fees," said one, "but they won't accept my money,
saying that I don't have to pay because I'm not a first year. So each
October, a group of us get together, each carrying a thousand pounds that
we have worked all summer to earn, and we burn it. That should show them
how strongly we support tuition fees."
Order of the brown nose this week is awarded to a theatre reviewer who
normally reviews the sporting fixtures, who in a very positive review of a
production of Reservoir Dogs singles out Arif Haq for praise.
Coincidentally, Mr Haq is the new deputy editor of the warwick boar,
the paper in which the review appeared.
Last week, the warwick boar reports, the water supply to the whole campus
was cut off, in direct contravention of government proposals to outlaw
this practice. University press officer and rent-a-gob, Peter Dunn,
described accusations of incompetence as "complete bollocks". We don't
have anything funny to say about this, but we're not normally allowed to
swear on the radio, but we can get away with it if we are quoting someone
else. Meanwhile, the shortarse formerly known as Prince commented "You
Sexy Motherf-" [cut to record]
17 November '98
Given top billing in this week's Warwick boar is a shocking story of gross
negligence on the part of the authorities. It was revelad exclusively by
the Boar that the Guardian/NUS student newspaper awards conspicuously
failed to recognise that the Boar is the best newspaper in Britain.
Despite not winning the award, none of the nominees left the ceremony
empty handed, and the boar team returned home with a large bunch of sour
grapes.
Although the judges praised the Boar's elegant and sophisticated design,
which consists of words arranged in columns on the pages, they crudely and
illogically gave the award to the newspaper which they liked the most.
Deputy editor Jon Simmonds attacked the judges: "How dare they let
themselves be swayed by such subjective considerations when objectively
the Boar is the best. Only last week it was unanimously voted 'Best
Student Newspaper at Warwick' by a panel of its editors, and we know what
we are talking about."
He went on to accuse the judges of encouraging 'dumbing down' in the
student media, adding "if you don't know what dumbing down is, it's when
complicated ideas are simplified or ignored, on the assumption that the
readers are stupid. If you want to know more, check out our 'idiot's
guide to dumbing down' from two weeks ago."
He also accuses the winning paper of using tabloid-style tactics to
achieve cheap popularity which, Jon Simmonds assures us, the Boar would
never sink to.
Menawhile, turning to page seven of the Warwick Boar, the author of the
popular 'Mysterons' column is revealed to be deupty editor Jon Simmonds.
In his final column he recounts a badly disguised urban myth about a woman
who strips naked and smears herself in pet food.
From next week, Mysterons will be replaced by a new showbiz gossip column
called "Bizarre!" and a semi-naked page seven student.
Putting such tabloid puerility aside, the Warwick Boar this week reports
that a food fight has broken out between the Union and the University.
The two superpowers are engaged in a cold salad-bar war over who can open
the most eateries.
"It's an all out battle." explained General-in-chief Jo Scaife from a top
secret union bun- making factory. "They opened 'Eat', so we
retaliated with 'Harvey's Too'. Then they responded with Kaleidoscope -
that really had us reeling, but we hit right back with South Central. I
think we've got them on the run now."
This may not be the case for long though - already the University has a
new sandwich bar under construction, with two banqueting halls to follow.
These new venues, along with Rootes, Harvey's, Airfare, Harvey's As Well,
Cafe Shana na-na-na-na-na, Shana na-na-na-na-na-na [think 'What do you
want from me?' by Monaco], Another Harvey's, South Central, Now - That's
what I call Harvey's!, Costcutter, The Best Harvey's in the World - Ever!,
Lazer Lizard and the rest brings the total number of food outlets on
campus to just over three hundred.
When will this buffet madness end? Jo Scaife is defiant: "We will not
rest until there is a specialty venue for every man, woman and child
prodigy on campus," she spat in anger.
A rumour that the next union food store will be called Jo'S cafe in honour
of their supremo has not yet been denied, because we only just made it
up.
The Warwick Boar this week makes us aware of the awareness weeks
currently competing for our attention. Next week is LesBiGay awareness
week, which intends to make students aware that Gay and Bisexual people
really do exist and that, despite a media conspiracy of silence, they can
be found in all walks of life, from politicians to members of parliament.
Meanwhile, last week was green awareness week, to remind us that some
people are so naive (or 'green') that they believe awareness weeks
actually achieve anything.
Looking at sport now, and this week's crossword tips are
1 Across - Spanner
2 Down - American (it's an anagram)
6 Down - Taco
and 29 Across - allergy. Tricky one, that.
Get your completed grids in by Friday lunchtime.
In other sport... some other sport happend. That's all we've got time for
I'm afraid.
10 November 98
Turning to the Warwick Boar, I see that the main story this week is that
the authorities aren't happy with pissed students smashing bar glasses
against the wall. Apparently having broken glass lying about the place is
a health hazard. Thank goodness we've got the wonderfully named
Responsible Drinking Committee to tell us this. This obscure committee,
which no one knew existed till last week, operates in secrecy, but we have
managed to get hold of a copy of the minutes of the last meeting:
TOP SECRET UNIVERSITY MINUTES OF THE RESPONSIBLE DRINKING COMMITTEE
1. Apologies
Jim Rushdon apologised that he would not be drinking tonight but he was
driving home. The committee agreed that this was very responsible of him.
2. First Round
The secretary enquired what everyone was having. The Vice Chancellor
asked for a pint of shandy, the hospitality services manager requested a
half of lager, and the senior registrar asked for a glass wine. Jo Scaife
had a pint of Kronenberg with a double whisky chaser.
3. Vote of thanks
The VC then proposed a vote of thanks to the secretary for getting the
drinks in. The committee sipped delicately and responsibly at their
drinks without rushing them, in appreciation.
4. Any other business
Jo Scaife put in a proposal for another round, but when put to a vote this
was defeated, with "I think we've had enough" being quoted as the reason.
The meeting then concluded with everyone congratulating each other on how
responsible they had been.
---
However, on the letters page there's a letter explaining that blood
donation sessions can't be held on campus this term since all the rooms
have been booked up by Management Consultancy firms on the milkround.
Clearly the university is only prepared to deal with one bunch of
bloodsuckers at a time. But there is a simple solution to this problem:
All the blood donation service have to do is hang around the union
until someone slips and lacerates a major artery on the broken glass, then
dive
in and collect a pint of blood in an unbroken glass. And if they can't
find any unbroken glasses left, I'm sure they could always borrow a milk
bottle off the milkround people.
Meanwhile, in this week's Warwick Boar, we read in the Mysterons diary,
written by the inexplicably pseudonymed Caramel Xerxes, that Cambridge
paper Arsity has been taking a pop at Warwick. To be fair, Mysterons
deserves all the flack it's given, after printing the myth about the
student who's thrown out of a ground floor window as if it actually
happened. That story's been doing the rounds for years and Mysterons is a
gullible fool for wasting space reprinting it.
Perhaps the real reason for the Cambridge animosity is the recently
published Times league table of the top ten universities that were
attended by Times reporters where Cambridge came first to Warwick's
seventh. Which is understandable when you read the small print and see
that one of the criteria they were rated on is the number of firsts
awarded. So Cambridge decides to award more firsts and so rises to the
top of this weeks' league table? Sounds perfectly fair to me.
The Warwick Boar this week included what's possibly the biggest news story
of the year so far: there was a real fire on campus. Alert students
covered the fire with a fire blanket, then set off the fire alarm. Which
begs the question: why the hell hadn't the smoke detectors detected the
fire already? Since the detectors seem to be triggered by anything from
slightly charred toast to breathing hard in the direction of the sensor,
it's interesting to discover that one thing that is guaranteed not to set
the alarm off is the prescence of an actual fire. Well, we can all burn
safely in our beds tonight knowing that.
And finally, it seems that some people are finding the crossword in the
Boar, the student newspaper of Warwick University, a little bit too easy.
So to make it more of a challenge, the hard working production staff are
deliberately omitting the word lengths, cocking up the typing of the
clues, and numbering the grid in a way which has no relation to the actual
location of the words. It's still a piece of piss though.
© Graham Cormode, probably.