Love and Death 4/96 Scene 1. The children are lounging around the flat not doing anything in particular. The staircase has now become a permanent fixture of the flat. David and Marie are on the couch, dressed in seventies slackwear. They appear to be kissing passionately M, drawing back, teeth clenched : Got it! [She has a thin ropey looking "creature" between her teeth, which emanates from D's mouth. She starts to pull it out. It is quite long, several feet, and half way along are a set of coloured pendants (bunting) on it. Eventually she has it out]. D : Thanks. I wondered why I was eating so much and still losing weight. What is it, do you think? M : Looks like an urban myth if you ask me. [There is a knocking at the door] M : Come in, it's unhinged. [The door falls forward, leaving You still knocking in vain at where the door was. He is disguised as a caretaker (carrying a broom, wearing a cloth cap and coat)] J entering on stairs : Who are you? Y : Good question. I'm Elvis Strange, the mysterious and spooky caretaker. D : I'm sorry to hear that. What are you doing here? Y : Oh, I'm just cleaning up and warning you about the spooky and mysterious ghost that haunts this flat. [Cleaner enters and leans in the doorway looking pissed off] M : What ghost? Y : Legend tells of an evil spirit who has haunted this flat for hundreds of years. M : But this flat was only built five years ago! Y : Er.. That just shows how evil this ghost is - he's been haunting this flat from before it was ever here. Now if you'll excuse me I'll just perform some vital maintenance work [he begins to push the broom around aimlessly]. Cleaner enters the flat C to audience : I don't trust him. Besides, he's doing my job badly. It's my job to do my job badly. [C starts dusting and pilfering as usual, trying to get in the way of Y as much as possible, and generally be obstreperous] D : Oh, I can't work with all these interruptions going on. M : You never do any work any way. D : Exactly, so how do you expect me to get anything done with all this irritating me as well? See you later [leaves, with creature wrapped around his leg menacingly] M seeing creature : Wait! [runs after him] [by now You and Cleaner are engaged in a pitched battle, using the broom and duster respectively as weapons] Jools enters, wearing luminous paint spattered clothing. She is fairly young, and quite attractive, dressed in shakespearian costume. Ju : Hi dad. I've finished painting the mask. Y turning and absently brushing C aside with his brush : Yeah. Uh, great. A from off : Come on Jay, I'm going now. Jay gets up from where he was sitting on the stairs and runs down them. He does not notice the bunting that is now tied across the bottom of the stairs, resulting in him flying across the room into Ju, colliding with a few children as he lands. They end up with eyes as close as humanly possible, bodies head to head. J gets up, rubbing his forehead J : Er hi Ju, understated : Hi. There is a long, meaningful moment between the two of them. As much emotion and lust as is humanly possible is seen on their face. A : Hurry up. J : Bye then. Ju wistfully : Bye. In the background Y grabs C and throws her at the screen, which is currently showing a window. The screen remains, but the window shown smashes as C is seen hurtling through it. Y after J and children have left : Come now, we have work to do. Scene 2. Jay and Arsenio are fishing. Well, they are sitting around a large hole filled with water in a rubble strewn wasteland (as per "Dreams"), with fishing gear in evidence. Some children are also trying to fish. A : Before we start, I'll just tell you a little about fishing, the way I see it. There are two sides to it: the light and the grey, or if you prefer, the tao and the yang... J : Could I ask you some advice first? You see, I met this girl today. Well, I say met. Almost killed is more like it, but it was unintentional... A oblivious : It's a gentle art you see. It takes much practice. J : Yes, that's the problem really. I've never had much of what you could call, er, practice. A : I've been at it since I was five. J : FIVE? You mean...? A : There's nothing like that sensation when you feel your rod a' tugging. J : You're sick. A : Sometimes it doesn't work out, and you lose. But you've just got to accept that there are plenty more fish in the sea, and just try your luck again. J : Yes, you're right I suppose. A : But then again, sometimes it is exceptional. You get one just where you want, and you know that you'll never forgive yourself if you don't land it... J : "It"? That's a objectifying them a bit? A : ...so you struggle with all your might to hold on to what you think is something special. It's terrible having to live your life always thinking about "the one that got away", never knowing what it could have been like. J : You're right. You're absolutely right. I'll go and ask her immediately. [Drops his fishing line and runs off]. A : Still, even with that hanging over you, there's nothing like the feeling when you know you've got one entranced with the bait hanging off your elaborate tackle...hey? Where'dja go? We haven't started yet! [In the background a tentacle pops out the water and drags a child in with a splash] Scene 3 The cleaner is trapped in the screen. Scratching at the glass she motions helplessly at Ju as she peers into it. Ju : Well, how did you get in there? C shrugs and bangs at the screen as it goes on with its usual random clips behind her. J runs in and almost collides with Ju again : Er, hi. My name's Jay. Ju : I'm Jools. What do you want? J : Well, I was just wondering if, that is to say, er, whether it wouldn't be too over presumptuous of me to ask, er, if you don't mind, well, what I'm trying to say is basically.. mmph! Ju has got bored of J failing to express his emotions and has started kissing him passionately. The two fall over and roll around haphazardly on the floor, bumping into several items of furniture and causing several breakables to, well, break. They do not seem to notice the painful rebuttals from the couch or the succession of falling vases. C : Well, that won't help get me out of here. Y enters, steps across the writhing couple, and looks about, still in caretaker guise. He starts to plant various sinister looking items about the flat. C : Hey what are you doing acting suspiciously in other people's flats? Acting suspiciously in other peoples flats is Y flicks a switch and the screen falls dead. A silence descends on the flat, as if something has died. Y shrugs and continues with his dastardly work. D and M return. D looks bedraggled. D to Y : What are you still doing here? And what are you doing with that? [Y hides a small incendiary device] Y : I'm just finishing. There, that's everything in order. I'll see you soon. Err, I mean, no, no I won't. Might not see you ever again, in fact. Watch out for that ghost! [Leaves] M : Strange man. D : Oh, he seems harmless enough. Ju breaking away from J : Let's get married! J : This is all so sudden. It's happening so fast, I mean I hardly know you. You'll have to give me some time to think. Ju : OK, that's fine by me. [Pause] J looking at Ju intensely : Er.. OK then, let's do it. Ju : Fine. There's only one problem. J : What's that then? Ju : Well, my family are Romulan, whereas you are from the Federation, our sworn enemies. J : Yes... whatever you say, dearest. Ju : I'll have to ask my mother's permission. [To no one in particular] Open a channel to Romulan High Command! The screen flickers into life again, with C still trapped inside. Behind her is what we assume to be a Romulan woman, as per Star Trek C : Ah. About time. Now can someone.. Romulan brushing C off screen : Yes? What is it? Ju : It's me mother. R : Oh, hello Jools. How goes the invasion plan? Ju : Mother, I've had enough of your stupid invasion plans and schemes. I've fallen in love. R : Really? Who with? A nice strapping young soldier boy? Ju pushes J in front of the screen : No, him. R with distaste : Well, really. Ho hum, I suppose if you must, you must. Go ahead then, but I don't know what the in-laws will be like. Ju : No mother! I won't follow your orders any more. I'm marrying erm... J prompting : Jay Ju : ... Jay, and that's the end of it. There's nothing you can do to stop me. Goodbye, mother! R : Goodbye then, my dearest. I'll start planning the wedding straight away. Ju runs to the top of the stairs, leaving J to stare up at her. Ju : Oh, Jay, Jay, where do you stand? J perplexed : I'm down here. Ju : Oh right. The stars are set against us. But we must find a way to evade my family's determination that we shall not wed. Oh, woe! What am I to do? If only there were a way that we could escape this mortal coil, this transient helix, this overwrought spring, and find our peace in the afterworld. But alas! We are but two young fools in love, bound together and yet forced apart. If only we could find through some cunning plot convince our feuding clans that we were dead, and then live on in each others arms. Oh..! [she retires off] J : Right. See ya, then. [he shrugs and moves to the couch where M and D are in conversation. D : ...with the cucumber! There was quite a mess... Suddenly the light goes off, and the pyrotechnic devices left by Y go off. A ghostly figure (Y, surprisingly) with a luminous face enters, half walking, half floating. Y as spookily as possible : Woooooooooo! D : Roikes! [Making cartoon noises, he runs on the spot for a few seconds, then shoots off through the door, leaving a David-shaped hole.] J : Oh blimey [Jets off after D] M resignedly : Oh well, when in Rome... people speak Italian and drive badly? Oh, sod it [she jogs after D and J] Lights flicker on and off, and the pyrotechnics fail. Y : Oh bugger. Never mind, I'll get them tomorrow. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! [ghostly laugh] Scene 4 We see a picture of the flat, with "The next day" imposed on it. Drawing back, it turns out that we were just seeing the screen. Y is back as a caretaker, tinkering further with the flat, today unconcerned that everyone can see what he is up to. J and Ju are kissing passionately again. He breaks away. J : I've been thinking about what you said yesterday, and I've come up with a plan. [To everyone] I've decided that if I cannot live with my beloved Jools, then I cannot live at all. [Drawing a plastic dagger] I've decided to end it all. [To Jools, winking] I'm going to "kill" [more winking] myself, so that our families can no longer get in our way. [turning] It's no use any of you trying to stop me.... [silence]... Is this a dagger I see before me? Well, it looks like one. Goodbye my friends its time to die... Goodbye, everybody, now I've got to go... got to leave you all and go and face the pain. [To J] I'll see you soon... perhaps sooner than you think [more winking]. J takes the dagger and stabs himself badly (ie not well) with it, the plastic blade retracting squeakily with each thrust. He falls neatly onto the couch as D and M step quickly out of the way. He is, quite clearly, not dead. Ju : Oh no! My love! [runs away, weeping] D sits on one end of the couch now taken up by J's "corpse", M on the other. D : Well, tonight I'll be prepared for that ghost. I've got all the weapons I could find [points to a selection of useless items including garlic, a cucumber, a silver cross and book entitled "Exorcism for the complete klutz".] M : Yes, I'm sure that will help. Have you seen the cleaner today? It's not like her to miss out when there are fresh miscellaneous trinkets to pilfer? D : Oh, I don't know. Besides, now we've got the friendly caretaker to help keep the place tidy [waves at Y, who drops the firework he was placing in a high corner of the flat, causing a minor explosion which takes out a small table] Y : You kids want to keep your nose out of things you don't understand. That ghost will spell your death, mark my words! D smiling : Yeah! Thanks! Tch, what would we do without him? Y : Right I'll be off then. Don't forget: get out of here if you value your lives! D good-naturedly : Ahh, the working class are charming, aren't they? M : You're working class aren't you? D : And when have you ever seen me working? Lights off again, and Y enters as the ghost again, with similar pyrotechnics as before. D grabs the nearest thing to hand, which happens to be the cucumber, and waves it vaguely threateningly at the ghost. D : Get back you fiend! The ghost advances and makes a feral growling noise. D : Roikes, Raggy! M and D then set off on a Scooby Doo style chase. This involves a corridor of doors from which the protagonists appear and dive into randomly. Also M and D disguise themselves as statues at various points throughout the chase in an attempt to throw off the "ghost". Back in the flat (with the lights back on) : Ju looking at J : Oh my love, what have I driven you to? She takes the fake dagger from J's hands, and turns it to herself. He snores - he has fallen asleep. Ju : Oh, why are you so cruel to me world? Well, now I shall leave you, so that we can at last be together, if not in life then in death. [Looking about, sees no one] Farewell! [She stabs herself dramatically and falls to the floor, dead] D and M run into the room, pursued by the ghost, and they end up trapped and cowering in a corner. C (out of sight) : That's the one! Get him! There is a squelching, slapping noise, and Y falls over backwards. A, accompanied by C is flexing a recently used sturgeon almost as tall as he is. D : You got the ghost! M : That was no ghost. Look, it's just a man wearing a luminous mask. D : Oh yeah. I was never really scared. A : Let's see who it really was. He removes the mask, while D leans over to see. As his face is revealed, D leaps back with a shriek. D : What a hideous visage! M : It's Elvis, the old caretaker. Y has regained consciousness, and stands to remove the rest of the ghost costume revealing his caretaker gear underneath. Y : Not quite. [He rubs the side of his face, and looks at A] That halibut really stings. [He then removes his caretaker disguise (cloth cap, sideburns and coat)] All : You! Y : As ever. [Aside] Really, you would have thought they would have got used to all this by now. It's not as if I'm particularly good at this evil villain lark. A : What shall we do with this asshole? C : Well, I say we give him a piece of his own cake. It took me ages to find a way out of that [gestures at screen] ... thing. C grabs hold of Y and throws him forcibly at the screen. Y bounces off painfully, pulls himself together, and runs off. C looks puzzled. A : So what else has been going on while I was out? D : Oh, not much. Er, oh yeah. Jay fell in love, and - oh, what else did he do? M : Er.. killed himself, didn't he? D : Oh yeah, that was it. He killed himself out of love. Uh.. so nothing really. J : Aha! [Getting up]. Er.. no. You see, I'm not dead. [They ignore him] You see, I was just acting, it wasn't a real dagger. I was only pretending, so Jools'es family would leave us alone. [Sees Ju's body] It's all right. You can get up now. I think it's safe for us to elope, and they'll never suspect a thing. Er. Jools? [Feels her pulse; she is dead] NO! Why? Why? Why do all the women I love kill themself within 48 hours of meeting me? It's just not fair! [He runs upstairs sobbing] Stop Postscript Ju getting up : Don't worry. I'm not really dead. I'm just an actress, playing a part. I never really loved Jay - I mean, he doesn't even exist, he's just a character. J off : Heartless bitch!