Donations 8/96


Scene 1

An advert:
GIVE BLOOD

GO ON, GIVE BLOOD

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU NEED ALL THAT BLOOD FOR?

IT'S NOT AS IF WE WANT IT ALL

JUST 567Ml WILL DO

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

FOR F***'S SAKE, GIVE SOME BLOOD

STOP THINKING OF YOURSELF ALL THE TIME

this goes on on the screen, as Marie lies on the couch, fumbling down
the back of it.  She pulls out various amounts of small change, then
bundles of notes, gold bars and diamonds, all of which she throws
behind the couch, till she finds a huge and complex remote control.
Turning to the screen, she presses a button.  The image on the screen
changes to a relaxing forest scene.  Which suddenly changes unbidden to 
LOOK, IT'S NOT AS IF WE'RE ASKING FOR BLOOD

WELL, OK, WE ARE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT

she presses another button

IT'S BLOODY SIMPLE

and so on, until she gives up and presses a big button at the top.  The
picture fades, and the screen dies.  Temporarily.

GIVE BLOOD starts again, fading in.  In frustration she stuffs the
control back down the couch where she found it, and turns away from the
screen.

Suddenly klaxons go off, a red light flashes, and the screen breaks off
from the pleading advertisement to scream INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER
ALERT.  Marie  starts to get up, but is beaten as Jay runs down the
stairs opens the door, grabs a package from the postman (the only
evidence of which is a plastic nose)

Jay: Thanks, Pat

and runs back up stairs, slamming the door behind him.  The screen
displays "THREAT NEUTRALISED. CONDITION AMBER"

M : That boy worries me.  

Arsenio and David appear.  David is dressed in a seventies "staying
alive" white suit, open to the waist.  A is dressed like an Eskimo,
carrying a large bag on one shoulder and a baseball bat in the other.
They sneak towards the door in full view of M

M : And WHERE do you think you two are going?

D : Er..  oh, you've forced it out of me.  We're going clubbing.

M : Dressed like THAT?

D : Well, it's what the kids wear nowadays, isn't it?

M : Yes, of course it is.

They leave, slamming the door even harder.  Miscellaneous bits of door
fall off.

M : Careful with that door!  We only get one per episode.. er, week.

There is a sound of heavy machinery, as inappropriate as possible.

M : I've had enough of this.

She runs upstairs to outside Jay's room where the noises are coming
from.  

M : Jay, what is going on?

J guiltily : Something

M : Obviously something is going on... don't you normally say
"nothing"?

J : Well, yes, but you never believe me.

M : That's because there's always something going on.

J : That's why I said "something" when you asked what was happening.

M : Be more specific, or else I'll break down this door - and I'm not
sure we'll be able to get a new one till next series.. er, year.. if I
do.  You've been locked in that room for the last six months, only
coming out to accept mysterious parcels from that overly smug postman
and eat enormous meals of beans on toast.  How do you explain that?

J : Well, you get hungry after a while, and I like beans.

M : Not that, the other mysterious behaviour.

J : Well, I suppose since I've nearly finished you can come in and have
a look.

The door is unlocked, and Marie slams it into J and strides in.  Inside
is a bed, a large number of empty baked bean cans, a mini screen
showing the same give blood propaganda, and a very swish black sports
car.  Jay comes out from behind the door with a bloody nose, and starts
to tighten a bolt on one side.

J : It's taken me all my free time to put together, but it's finally
finished.  This is the last bolt I'm putting on now.  What do you
think?

M unimpressed : I think.. I think.. I think "how are you going to get
that out of this room?"

J stops twisting the bolt : Shit.
pause : Oh well
He starts unfastening the bolt.

M turns round to leave.  To herself : He's a gormless twat, but quite
sweet in his own way I suppose.

J out of sight now : Bugger bugger bugger bugger buggger.  (he farts)

Scene 2

David and Arsenio stagger drunkenly into a pub, "The Dog and Donor".
It is the Cheers bar.  Inside the children are seated, drinking

Children : Hello Arsenio!  Hello David!

A : Isn't it nice to go where everyone knows your name?

D : Who are all these people?

A : Never mind.  Leh's get anuvver drink.

They are both quite drunk. D has some lipstick smeared on his face.  A
has what looks like blood on his face, and his bag is now full with
what looks like a seal tail sticking out the top.

D : Bahman, a pint of your finest.. finest.. fine stuff, please.

Barman (who is actually You) : Certainly, that'll be all your money
please.

D : OK.. 
feels in pockets, in shoes, in armpits
.. I can't find it.

A picks D up, turns him upside down and shakes him.  No result

D : I must have spent it all
he is returned to his normal orientation

Y : Perhaps I might draw your attention to our special offer....
he points to an enormous sign behind him, "Free money for all blood
donors"

D :  Thas no good; I don't want money.  I wanna drink.

Y : Well, perhaps out other special offer would appeal...
he pulls down the first sign, to reveal another, "Free drink for all
blood donors.  A pint for a pint"

D : OK.

Y :  Wonderful.  NURSE!


An elfling skuttles in bearing a surgical gown and mask.  You dons the
mask and gown, and turns to D.

Y : Come into my surgery, sir.

D for some reason sounding like Tony Hancock : OK then.
he walks to the other side of the bar.

Y : Now, I'm only going to take a pint...

D : A pint?  A pint?  Why, that much must be 'armful!

Y : Armful, armfull, hmm.  Never mind. Don't worry, you won't feel a
thing.  Other than a sudden stabbing pain and a moment of intense agony
followed by a dull throbbing ache for several days if not weeks.

He pulls a large syringe from under the bar.

D : ooooooh.  

He faints out of sight.  Y jumps down and returns a moment later with a
syringe full of blood.

Y : Ha ha!  I have it!  He fell for it!

A : Hang on a moment, I recognise your face... it's You!

Y : You don't say.  [Aside]  You know, this ritual charade is getting
tiresome already.  [to A, waving the needle]  Get back.

A : You don't scare me with that needle

Y : Oh no?  Well, how about THIS?  [pulls an absolutely enormous needle
from under the bar

A : oooooooh

D getting up : What's going on?  Where's my free pint? [sees the
needle]  Woa no ooooooh

Y to elfling : Come now, let us get back to our lair and carry out our
evil plot [to children who have been watching the whole scene rapt]
What are you looking at? 

He slaps a child.  The child bites him.  Soon a full scale bar brawl
breaks out which You fights with one hand, the other one desperately
cradling the syringe containing D's blood.  He starts fencing using the
empty needle.


Scene 3.

Back in the flat.  The cleaner is cleaning (the place out).  Marie is
back in the couch, eating cherries and spitting the stones out into a
bucket.  The screen is showing WELL KEEP YOUR BLOODY BLOOD THEN, BUT
DON'T COME RUNNING TO ME IF YOUR LEGS FALL OFF AND YOU NEED A VITAL
BLOOD TRANSFUSION.

M, spits : There, that's enough. 
she turns the bucket around to reveal it reads NUTS

C : You really should do something about these mice - they've been
living here for so long that they've begun to evolve

M : What do you mean?

C : Well, one of them has just been explaining to me about this machine
they've built that makes chocolate digestives

M : It's probably just the effect of that.. thing [she gestures to the
screen, which is re-running episodes of bagpuss].  Just ignore them
until they develop interstellar travel, and shoot off into infinity.

The door opens, and David stumbles in, obviously drunk.

D : Hiya...errrp.  I'm back.  Back, I'm back.  What is?

M : Where's my cousin?

D looks about perplexed : Well, he was here... yesterday.

M : He went out with you.

D : Well, if you know where he is, why are you asking me?

M : What's up?  There's something different about you?

D : No there isn't.  I'm just the same old Dave, bumbling about in the
same old wa.. oops!  [he falls over and gets back up again] ... way.

M : I'm not so sure.  There's something odd going on here.  Cleaner,
you know what to do [C salutes and moves off to get something].  Do you
mind answering a few questions?

D : Er.. no?

As he says this, the cleaner rams the black mastermind chair into his
legs so he falls back into it.  The lights go out leaving a spotlight
on him.  A zero appears in the bottom of the screen.

M from out of view : What is your name please?

D : David Stuppid.

M : Your occupation?

D : Layabout

M : Your preoccupation?

D : My appearance

M : And your specialised subject?

D : Things that only I could know

M : OK, your time starts... now

D : Erp.

M : What is your earliest memory?

D : Getting lost in a toyshop and thinking my parents had abandoned me

M : Correct.  How old were you when you had your first appendectomy?

D : Seven years, four months and 23 weeks

M : Correct.  What was the name of the first girl you kissed while she
was locking her bike in the school bikeshed?

D : Ann-marie DeVille

M : Correct.  And how long after that did you finally persuade a girl
to go to bed with you?

D : That's a very personal question

M : I know.

D : Pass.

M : Evasive bugger.  I'll get the answer out of you some day, Stuppid.
Where did you first meet me?

D : When you pulled me out of the swimming pool and gave me the kiss of
life.

M : Correct.  And what were your first words to me after you came
choking back to life?

D : "I appreciate your affection, but you just ruined my attempt at the
world record for holding your breath and looking as if you have drowned
in the children's fun pool.  I'll have Norris McWhirter on to you for
this..."

M : Correct.  I've started 

D : [Burp Burp Burp]

M :  I've started so I'll finish.  What was your present to me on my
last birthday?

D : Er.. umm.. I've got a headache, the alcohol is starting to wear
off.

M : I'll have to hurry you.

D : Oh, let me think, let me think.  It's difficult remembering all
this stuff...

M : Come on, come on, you gormless twat, I haven't got all day.

D : It was a.. er.. frilly tea cosy?

M : No, I'm afraid the correct answer was an exploding pencil case.

D : ...pencil case, of course.

M : At the end of that round you have scored 17 points and one pass,
but unfortunately revealed yourself as some kind of evil imposter.
Cleaner, do the honours please.

The cleaner throws a rope around the clone David and ties him to the
chair.  Marie comes across and moves the spotlight (which is a
brilliant ball of light into false David's face.

D : This is all a big mistake!  I'm no imposter!  I'm just a bit
pissed.

M : I don't believe you.  What have you done with David?  Where's
Arsenio?  Is this another wicked plot from You?

D : You're wrong.  I just got one tiny detail wrong.  It's not my fault
- it's very difficult to remember all those things when I've only had
an afternoon to practice... oops.

M : Aha - you admit it, you are an imposter!  Where's David?  Tell me,
or I'll hit you really hard!

D : Shan't.

C appearing with a feather : Here, let me try.  [holding the feather up
to his face so he strains his head back as far as possible]  Now, we
want to know the answers to a few small questions

D : I.. I.. I'm afraid I can't tell you [C begins to gently move the
feather uner his nose]  OK, OK, I'll tell you.  They are both being
held at the secret hideout in the middle of the wasteland.  Now get
that thing away from me.

M : Come on, let's go.

C : Oh, can't I just give him a little tickling?

M : NO.  [she runs off, and the cleaner follows her]

D : What about me? [he turns to look at the screen, which displays the
words "Run, run little man".  With the chair still tied to him he makes
a stumbling escape]

Scene 4

Outside. Jay is in a similar position to earlier (just tightening the
last bolt on the wheel of his new car).  For the record, the rear
number plates are CAR120C, and the front plates are NCC1701E.

M : Jay, brilliant.  We need to find a secret hideout in the middle of
the wasteland.

J : Mmm.  That's nice.  Pass me a cloth, would you?  

The cleaner gives him a duster, which he uses to shine the hubcaps.

M : We need to use your car

J : What will happen if I say no?

M : Then I'll threaten, cajole and physically assault you until you let
me.

J : I thought as much.  Here are the keys [he throws an enormous bunch
of keys to M.  To himself :] Bugger, bugger bugger bugger bugger

A bit later, they are speeding along.  Marie is driving, and Jay is
peeping through his hands every so often, and wincing.  Lights flash
and pulsate on the dashboard.

J painfully : Still, I suppose ... nn! .. this is quite a good test to
see what WATCH OUT! .. what Kit can do-ooo-oo!

M turns away from the road to look at J : Why do you call her... your
car.. Kit?

J : Watch where you're going!  Er.. because I made IT from a kit, of
course.

C who is standing on the roof of the car : There it is!

Up ahead is the bar, with a large neon sign, "Secret Hideout - NO
Vacancies" flashing in front of it.  They screech to a halt in front of
it, and the cleaner falls off, executes a roll and looks around
maniacally.  

M : Will it be safe to leave the car here?

J : Of course.  It's got an alarm so sensitive that if someone even
breathes on it it will go off.

He presses a button on the keyring, and the lights flash, it beeps, a
click sounds, it does a Batmobile (completely encases itself in body
armour), moos, shrieks, bleats, turns purple, and farts.

Scene 5

Inside the bar, which is now called "Chairs!".  Tied to chairs in the
middle of it are David and Arsenio.  Marie rushes up to D, and it
appears she is kissing him.  This time, it turns out that she is just
grabbing the tape over his mouth with her teeth and ripping it off.

D : Aaaaoooooow!

C meanwhile unties Arsenio who looks annoyed at being ignored by his
cousin.  J sort of wanders about aimlessly, unable to help either of
them.

M : How are you feeling?

D : Well, naturally I'm shaken, and a little upset.  I'd like to track
down the miscreant who did this to us, sit him down and explain exactly
how annoyed I am with him...

A : Let's get out there and toast the f***er!

D : I understand, and in fact strongly empathise with, your primal urge
to resort to violence, but there are larger issues at stake here...

A ignores him, grabs his bag with the seal tail, and pulls out a bloody
baseball bat.  He wields this thoughtfully for a moment.

D : Arsenio, I wish you would reconsider...

A : OK.  
He puts the bat away, and pulls out his bazooka.  He strides for the
exit.

D is about to say something, but M interrupts : Oh, shut up.  I'm
aching for some explosions to spice up the day

She follows A, causing the rest of the company to follow suit.

Scene 6

Behind the bar, the terrain is very different - it is (fake indoor)
jungle.

D : Well, this doesn't look much like it does out front

C : Yes, it's what they call a regional variation.

M stumbles over something, and picks it up - a joke skull

A : Wow - look at that

D fingering a leaf : Yes, it's incredible - such detail.  So lifelike.
I'd say it was authentic if I didn't know that was impossible.

A : No, that's just a leaf - I mean THAT

M and D turn together and have a Spielbergian moment of
incomprehension.  The jaw of the skull M is carrying falls to the
ground.  Slowly, the point of view turns so we see what they have.  It
is a compound of sorts, with hundreds of Davids running about inside
(the children dressed in his clothes, with a mask and wig, which is
reasonably convincing from a distance.  Outside the compound, You is
getting upset-

Y : NO!  You will do as I say!  Obey my orders!  Why isn't this
working?  You should be perfect clones!  What can possibly have gone
wrong?

It is clear now that the clones are lurching around drunkenly, and
falling against the electric fence, causing it to spark and sway
alarmingly.  It looks as if it will give at any moment

Y : What?  No, this can't be happening!  Not again!

The fence yields at last and the clones come rushing through towards Y

Y : Stop!  I order you to stop!

Clones (variously): ...lost in a toy-shop
				Ann-Marie DeVille
				...Norris McWhirter on to you for this
				...four months and twenty three weeks

The massed murmurs become a hubbub as they advance randomly towards Y

Y : I created you... don't you at least owe me a thank you?

He is lost in the mass as they trample over him.  The crowd continues
in its onslaught, turning towards the group watching them.

D : That's incredible.

M : Yes.  Don't you think we ought to move?

D : Amazing.  He must have cloned them from the blood he took from me.
Fascinating.

M : Yes, but don't you think we should do something about them?

D : You're right.  I mean, as the original from which those copies were
made, I must have some moral responsibility for them.  I'm virtually
their father.  

A : I'm going to kill the lot of them

D : That is one attitude, yes.  However, you can't just treat these
poor creatures as if they were no more than animals, even if they do
seem to display an almost predatory lust for our blood.  To kill them
would be tantamount to abortion, if not murder.

A has started firing his bazooka at the horde, causing dozens of them
to fall at each explosion.  In the background, for no apparent reason
(except perhaps that if there is ever a soundtrack LP we could put it
on) "Atomic" by Blondie can just about be discerned.

D between the bangs : ...very complex ethical issues raised here... not
something we should take lightly... I think we should spend a lot of
time thinking about this one...

One of the clones makes it as far as the group, and starts throttling
David

D : Or perhaps not... get it off me!

A swift blow with the baseball bat by the cleaner causes the fake D to
collapse.  D feels his throat, sighs, and faints

Scene 7.

D and M are sitting on some rubble in front of the hideout cum bar.  A
is behind them, polishing his bazooka.

D : I suppose his mistake was to take the blood from me while I was
drunk.  Since the alcohol was in my bloodstream, the clones he made
using the DNA in my blood were all inherently drunk, and therefore
useless for his evil plot, whatever it was exactly, which he never made
entirely clear.

J from his car : I'll be off then.  See you later.

M : Bye then [back to D]  So you have no idea what this was all for?

D : Not really - there was the usual guff about destroying us, and
something about how if this didn't work, he'd get us with this car bomb
he'd been working on..

M : Car-bomb..?  No!

She begins to run towards the car in slow motion, always a bad sign.
In the car, J slowly reaches for the ignition key.  As he turns it, M
skids to a halt, her eyes fill with fear.  A black sports car explodes.

M : Jay!  No!  I'll never find another tenant like you!

J : What is it?

Jay's car is untouched, behind it a similar car is smoking from the
explosion.  In the rubble behind it, a ragged and now sooty You is
lying 

Y : Curses!  Foiled again!

J : I really must rewire that ignition.

In the background, the mastermind chair slinks by.  Turning, it
crouches behind J's car, the last D clone still tied to it.  He shifts
uneasily by the side.  His breathing is heavy.  A patch of breath
condenses on the window.

As the alarm goes off suddenly, A instinctively grabs his bazooka,
turns, and fires.  The car explodes, shooting the mastermind chair into
the air.

J : My beautiful car!  A whole year's work!  My lifetime's dream!

He grabs hold of the predictable hubcap which was rolling along the
ground, and starts sobbing 'buggerbuggerbugger' to himself

M : Oh Jay, I'm so sorry for you

J backtracking suddenly : Well, I say a year, but it was more like six
months if you add it all together.  And mainly evenings only.  And I
didn't just work on it, I did eat beans on toast as well [he farts
disconsolately].  I expect since I've put it together, taken it apart
and put it back together again it probably wouldn't take so long to
make again.  And I can probably recover a few parts, so it's not that
bad.

C : And I suppose you'll want me to clean this mess up?

Stop

Continue

D sitting in the burnt seat of Jay's car, with M next to him : There's
just one thing I don't understand.

M : And what would that be?

D : How did you know the clone he sent to divert you wasn't me?  He
programmed it with just about everything I know?

M : Well, not quite everything... I asked it what you gave me for my
birthday, and it said a frilly tea cosy, instead of the exploding
pencil case.

D : But I did give you a frilly tea cosy - the pencil case was last
year!

M : You mean that I...?

D : Yes - you just don't care what I give you.  Honestly, I don't know
why I bother...