Episode 5 : Six 9/98 Black. Chirpy American voice-over. HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE LATEST CRAZE? EVERYONE’S DOING IT, AND YOU CAN TOO. IT’S SIMPLE, EASY AND FUN. SECHS. HAVE YOU HAD SECHS YET? YOU’RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO START. IT’S THE BEST GAME FOR TWO PLAYERS (AGED SIXTEEN OR OVER). SECHS. SECHS. SECHS. SECHS. (echoed on screen) ARE YOU A SECHS ADDICT? Cut to scene of people playing a game a bit like chess, but rolling dice and turning over cards between moves. Shot of a box labelled "Sechs". Caption: Sechs. You’ll wonder how you lived without it. Scene 1 Back to flat. Marie is lying on the couch, with David lying in her arms, clasped around his front. He coughs, and she suddenly performs the Heimlich manoeuvre on him. A mysterious creatures flies out of his mouth, and wriggles out of sight. He gets up D : Thanks He looks about. There are five young girls sitting around the flat wearing silly hats, and playing with pickaxes. D : Er... if it’s not a rude question, who are all these people that are always hanging around. One girl, Doc, looks up. She has a stethoscope hanging round her neck Doc : Us? Oh, don’t bother about us. We’re just sub-plots. D : Pleased to meet you. He holds out a hand. M : Leave them alone, they’re shy. D : No, I saw something recently that said that you should make an effort to get to know more people and expand your social sphere. What’s your name, little girl? Doc : We are the six loose end sisters. We exist only in the background, to fill up space and time, and cover over the holes. I’m Doc. D : Hi Doc, pleased to meet you. And these others are...? Doc gesturing : My sisters, Dopey [smoking a joint, waves vaguely], Grumpy [eating baked beans, farts at them], Sleepy [snores at them] and Sneezy [sneezes at them]. M : That’s only five. I thought you said that you there were six sisters. Doc : Oh where’s Bashful gone? Come out, you embarrassingly reticent fool. Doc starts hunting about the place for Bashful. Jay comes bounding down the stairs, carrying a box of Sechs. J : Hey there, does anyone fancy a romp? D : A what? J : A romp of sechs. Anyone? D : Um... M quickly : I’m afraid that we don’t play. J : But it’s really easy, I’ve read the instruction manual, anyone can play. M : No thanks. J waving a book : You just have to skim read this Sechs manual. I’ve highlighted the important passages. Doc spots something behind the sofa. Doc : Bashful! The sisters wheel the couch out the way to reveal Bashful’s body. Doc drops down and starts to listen with her stethoscope. She stands up. Doc : From my preliminary post-mortem, it seems that she recently tried to overcome her great shyness to ask someone out. J intrigued : You can tell all that from just a cursory examination? Doc : Oh yes, it’s written all over her. [It is, in fact, literally written all over her] Doc : But this mysterious person turned her down, and she was crushed by this, utterly crushed. M : You mean? Doc : Yes, she was crushed to death. M : Oh! That’s terrible! Doc : Yeah, life’s harsh. D perceptive as ever : You don’t seem to be terribly upset by all this. Doc : Well, we are only two dimensional characters. We have no souls. We have no emotions. We don’t feel. We aren’t real. So one of us dies. It’s no great loss. Can we watch the screen? Scene 2 On screen: A police interview room. An Irish American cop paces around the room, smoking violently. The suspect sits at the desk, hands clenched. Cop : So Dudley, are you going to talk? Are you going to confess? Dudley : Forgive me father, for I have sinned. Cop : OK, this is more like it. How long has it been since your last confession, Dudley? Dudley : Hey man, leave off! I’ll tell you what I want to. Cop : OK, OK, so make with the confession man. Dudley : Well, it all started with my neighbours ass. Cop : Yeah? Dudley : I’ve been coveting it. Cop : One Dudley : In fact, I’ve been lusting after it. Cop : Two Dudley : I was envious of him, angry that he had an ass and I didn’t Cop : Three, Four Dudley : So I stole his ass, and ate it all in one go. I was so greedy Cop : Five. And are you ashamed of what you did? Dudley : No, I’m proud. Cop : And six. Hasn’t your neighbour complained about what you did? Dudley : No - he did exactly the same thing to my pet sloth last week. Oh officer, what is my penance? Cop : Half a dozen hail Marys and six months in solitary. Come on Dudley, let’s get you to the cells. Scene 3 Back to the living room. M : What was that crap? D fetches out the huge control, and starts manipulating it. Immensely complicated Star-Trek style information starts flickering across the screen. D : It was called "The six Dudley sins". M : I wish I hadn’t asked. She looks over to see Doc kneeling over Sleepy who is in a small hole in the floor, slapping her face from left to right Doc : Sleepy! Sleepy! Wake up! She gets her stethoscope out and starts listening Doc : What? Oh no! M : Is something the matter? Doc : Oh no, it’s all right M : Fine... Doc : Yes, she’s dead. For a moment I thought it was something serious. D : Wha...? Doc : Now let me see... it seems that she was attempting to overcome her narcolepsy by indulging in some mining work when she was struck by a machine boring through the ground driven by a mysterious person. M : You mean? Doc : Yes, she was bored to death. Scene 4 Arsenio’s room. Oddly enough, it is brightly coloured, and has an open window through which a fake tree can be seen. He is playing Sechs with Dopey and Sneezy, who sneezes occasionally. They move pieces, turn cards, and roll dice arbitratily throughout. A : I’ll double down. What’s the matter with you? Sneezy : Aaa... oh, it’s just the Blossom in the air or something. See your King, and bash your bishop in return... choo! Dopey : Far out sister... cheque’s in the post, mate, and I’ll spank your monkey. A ladder leans against the window, and Jay climbs up. A guitar chord heralds his arrival. He pauses, transfixed by the scene. A : In which case I see a winning move, if I just choke your... hello Jay. Come in. And why don’t you use the door in future? J : B.. but what are you doing? A : Don’t you know? Haven’t you ever seen anyone having a romp of sechs before? J : Yes, but... but you can’t do that! It says on the box that you have to be sixteen or over to play, and those two are... are barely eleven! And... it’s a game for two players, you can’t do it with three... it’s... it’s obscene! A : Hey cool it man. These two kids are quite old enough to join in, and if we break a few of the silly rules to let me have a romp with these two... well, that’s just too bad. Sneezy, sniffing a grain of corn : Aaachoo! A : Is there anything else? J : Well, er, I mean... would it be possible for me to join in? Sneezy : Aaaa...aaa...aaa...aaarghhchoo! [falls over] A : Don’t be disgusting. Now where did I get to? He turns back to the board, and sees that Sneezy has collapsed, hands clasped together clutching the head of corn. J seeing that Sneezy has died : Er... Doc! Doc, you’d better come up here! Doc runs in A : Look, she knows how to use the door. Doc sees Sneezy, and crouchs over her : She’s dead, Jim J : Jay. It’s Jay. My names Jay. Doc : Sorry, James... J : JAY Doc : ...it looks like she’s suffered an enormous and completely fatal allergic reaction to this corn which she was given by a mysterious stranger who bears a strange resemblence to the mysterious stranger who has been responsible for the death of my other two sisters. J : You mean? Doc : Yes, it seems that we are dealing with a cereal killer. Dopey : Freaky man. J : B..b.. aren’t you upset? Doc : A little pissed off, I suppose, yes. J turns to A : So... this might not be the best time to ask but... now Sneezy is... out of the game... could I... er... take her place? A : No! Freak off Jay! Sheez, have some respect for the murdered! J : Sorry, don’t know what made me ask [leaves] A : Now, Doc, how’d you like to join in a quick Sechs romp to soothe the pain of bereavement? Scene 5 Jay runs downstairs into the main room. J : Hey, you’ll never guess what... He is distracted by the sight of Marie and David playing Sechs in close proximity to each other. M : So, let’s see what you’ve got... D is about to turn over his cards, when J : Hey! What are you two doing? D : Who us? Uh... nothing. J : You’re at it! You’re playing at Sechs! You said that you didn’t know what to do! M : Well, it’s really quite easy to pick up... J : Play with me! Play with me! M : No, I couldn’t... I mean, you’re my friend... it wouldn’t be right. J : Oh, OK. No! What’s that got to do with it. And David... why won’t you...? D looks away embarassed. J : I hate you! He storms back off upstairs. M : That was a bit cruel. You should humour the poor boy. D : Me? No! You do it M : I’d rather not. You were about to show me your royal flush... she leans back on the sofa and accidentally sits on the remote control. The screen flashes into life and starts to show Scene 6 Ann : Hey! I’m Ann, and I’d like to tell you my crazy story [Music, flashing images, and canned laugter] Ann : I’m a Princess in the crazy land of Made-uppia, and one day the wicked witch cast a cruel spell on my father, turning him into a fridge. Fridge : Ribbit. Ann : So I put an add in the local Chronicles for a mage to solve my problems. But I didn’t get one – I got six! And none of the six is a proper mage: the first accidentally magicked himself into an infant [as she introduces them, they appear around her], the second is still at mage school learning the tricks of the trade, the third is now my lover - ah! - the fourth is more of a soldier than a mage, the fifth is a justice of the peace, and the sixth and last is an ancient old man who’s about to die! Each week we have lots of fun trying to defeat the evil witch Witch [played by You] : Ah ha ha ha ha ha Ann : And we still haven’t turned my dad back from being a fridge Fridge : Ribbit Ann : But we still have a load of fun along the way. And so here they are [she gestures] - the six mages of Ann! The title springs up in kooky lettering behind her, then they all freeze. The scene changes to the inside of a fake castle. The infant mage is crawling about on the floor. Soldier mage enters. Audience cheers and shrieks. Soldier : Well, what a day I’ve had! Canned laugher fades out as we pull back to show the scene on the screen. It continues in silence, while Doc rushes in. Doc : I’ve just had some bad news. Grumpy’s been taken ill. M : Oh my. What happened to her? Doc : Well, from a preliminary examination it seems that a mysterious stranger kidnapped her and force fed her baked beans. These beans caused a huge build up of internal gases which, unless vented, could cause her to explode at any moment. Her only hope is to eject the deadly gases in a controlled manner. M : You mean? Doc : Yes, she’s farting for her life. There is a rumbling explosion, and the walls of the set rock. D : Oh. Sounds like she didn’t make it. M : Oh, how can you be so callous. Doc : No, he’s right. No use crying over spilt intestines. M : No this is terrible. I’ll have to tell Jay the news. She heads upstairs, and into Jay’s room. On the walls are some recovered pieces of Kit, the ex-car. He is watching his mini-screen while sitting on the bed. M : Jay, I’ve got some bad news... She trails off as Jay jumps in shock, and fiddles with his controller to no effect Woman’s voice from screen : And, as you can see, this player has got himself into a rather tricky position with his white pawn. The only way out seems to be to take his pawn and thrust he eventually manages to find the ‘off’ button, and the screen dies into blackness. J : I... it... er... er... M : Jay! What were you doing, watching that... that... that pawn film! It’s disgusting! J : Oh, you just don’t understand, do you? Can’t you tell? I’m obsessed with Sechs! There, I’ve said it. Ever since I found out about Sechs I’ve read everything I could find about it, looked at Sechs magazines, yes, and watched dozens of pawn videos. I feel that I know more about Sechs than anyone else alive, and yet... and yet I can’t find a partner. No one wants to join in and play Sechs with me. I’ve asked everyone, and they all turn me down, and yet it feels like I want nothing more than to play this game. It’s so frustrating... it’s like I’m addicted to this thing that I’ve never done. I can’t tempt you into a game? Just a quicky... you can’t know how much I need it... M : No! It wouldn’t be proper. J : You do it with David. M : That’s different... I think J : Anyway, what did you come up to tell me? M : Oh, another one of those sub-plots has been murdered... and you missed your favourite sit-dram, the six mages of Ann again. J : Oh! Oh no! That’s terrible! I... I don’t know... it’s horrible. What did you say about the sub-plot? M : Another one of the loose-end sisters was murdered. J : Oh, shame. Did you happen to see whether they managed to turn Ann’s father back into a frog? M : No, I wasn’t really... There is a blood curdling scream from below M : Oh, that sounds like... J : ...the start of "I was a middle-class teenage werewolf"! Let’s go! They rush downstairs. Scene 7 Now Doc is leaning over the motionless body of Dopey, a huge reefer billowing from her mouth. Doc is talking to David as M and J arrive. Doc : And from a hasty spectographic analysis of her sweat, it seems that her blow was spiked with ultra-pure weed, which caused her central nervous system to collapse under the intense narcotic effects. M : You mean... Doc : Yes, she was stoned to death. D : Oh well... Doc : Oh how can you say that? I’ve lost all five of my sisters today, and all you can say is "oh well" D : But you didn’t seem upset about the last four M : It’s because she’s been in denial all day Doc : No, I’ve been here all day. Look, I’m a background character – I don’t have real emotions. But when five out of six sisters get murdered in one day, it makes you pretty scared when you’re the last sister. I might not be deep enough to grieve for my sisters, but I can at least get utterly utterly shit-scared if I think that I’m next. Self-preservation is not an emotion, it’s an instinct. Maybe it’s one of you... or maybe it’s all of you. I’m getting out of here. She rushes out. M : Wow. D : Yeah, wow. That looked pretty much like paranoia. Not bad for someone with no emotions. M : I wonder who this murderous mysterious stranger is. You enters. Y : Hello all. Have I missed much excitement? D : You! You Bastard! Y : Yes, yes. J : Aha! I know your evil plot. It’s you that’s been doing all this, hasn’t it? It has to be, it smacks of your evil manipulating. I should have known You was behind this! Y grimacing : Technically grammatical, but only just. Do go on... J : It was typical of your evil plots to divide us, to try and destroy our happy home [D and M look about sceptically]. This time it was me that you targeted. Carefully calculated to make me feel like an outcast, you would divide and conquer us. But now I’m wise to your evil kenivelry so your wicker plot has flailed. Hah! Y : I’m not sure I quite follow... J slightly less confident : It’s Sechs, isn’t it? You invented sechs to isolate me. You knew that I would become obsessed by Sechs - you couldn’t have designed something any more certain to fascinate me - and then you conspired to ensure that I would be frustrating by making sure that no one would participate in sechs with me. I don’t know how you did it, but it almost worked. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? It’s sechs... it must be. Y : I assure you, I have no idea what you are talking about. J : I don’t believe you. Y : My dear Jay, you really are suffering from an intense paranoid complex. Have you considered seeking psychiatric help? How could I possibly influence so many people in the way you are describing? Besides, I’ve been far too busy murdering midgets... oops. M : You’ve been wiping out sub-plots? But why? Y : Let’s just say I have a penchant for tying up Loose Ends. D : I’ve just thought of something. M : That’s nice. You’re an evil man, You. Have you no compassion? D : No, listen to me. It’s just that I think that their is some kind of connection here. The six sisters, the six Dudley sins, six mages of Ann. If only I could work out what the connection was. It just seems that something is missing. [he counts on his fingers] Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc. I’ve got it! It’s Happy! Why is no one Happy? M : This is no time for philosophical contemplation. D : No, don’t you see? It’s as if we are being limited, as if we cannot conceive of any quantity other than six. What mysterious force is controlling us, watching the daily episodes in our lives all six days of the week? Y : I really do assure you all, this really has nothing to do with me. D : Of course, you’re as much a pawn in this game as us. J perking up : Did someone mention sechs? Anyone fancy a game? M : I think you just hit on something important David. D : Yes, you see it’s all about six. Six, six, six. M : No, you said something about Doc. Has anyone seen Doc recently? I’m worried about her. You looks awry, and purses his lips as if to whistle. M : You, what have you done to Doc? Y : Well... she may have been hacked to death... J : You mean that a mysterious stranger got hold of a cheap journalist, or hack, and... Y : No, I mean that I got hold of her pickaxe and... [He is interrupted by the doorbell ringing. A dot of red light appears inside the doorframe, and proceeds to spark around the door, cutting a huge chunk out of the middle. A parcel bounces through. Arsenio picks it up] A : Parcel here. Looks important – it’s come Red Hot delivery on Post Haste. For a... Pandora? Y : Er, yes, that would be me. Pandora is my middle name. J : Not so fast! I thought evil was your middle name. Y : What? Don’t be ridiculous, what kind of a name is "Evil"? M : Jay, when I said that ‘evil was his middle name’, I was using the literary device of metaphor. Y : Give me that package! M : No, I’m curious to see what’s inside it. Y : Listen punk, if you give me my box back then I’ll offer you this fantastic original artwork by impressionist artist Monet in exchange [he produces a framed Monet original from one of his pockets] A : What should I do? M : Open the box! Y : Take the Monet! A thinks for a moment, then opens the box. A gold glow is reflected on his face. A : Oh, wow. Y then grabs the box back off A, and a small object attached to a bit of string flies out. Y checks the box, and seeming to find everything else in order, makes to leave through the hole in the door. As he leaves, he says : Evening officer. A policeman, the cop from "Six Dudley sins" enters. He looks about. Cop : David? David Stuppid? D : Yes, that’s me. Cop : Mr Stuppid, I am here to arrest you. D : Why? What for? Cop : You are under arrest for Crimes which you have not committed. Would you come with me please? He leads David away. The cleaner enters. C : Well, what a day I’ve had! She starts cleaning in her usual fashion, and reaches down for the object which landed on the floor. M : Wait! What’s that you’ve got there? It could be the last Loose End. C : This? It looks like a piece of hope. M : Hope?! C : Yes, hope on a rope. And it’s got a name insribed on it. Toby Conte Nude. M : Who the heck is Toby Conti Nude? The screen flashes up "To Be/Conti/Nued". The scene fades to black. An American voice explains : This episode was brought to you by the letter ‘U’ and the number six. TO BE CONTINUED...