Episode 7 : School 7/02Scene 1
Dawn is breaking slowly in the flat. Well, sort of cracking gently down one
side.
Marie: Come on now, time to get up.
David: Ah, do I have to?
Marie: Yes, you’ve got to go to school.
David: But I hate it there. All the kids hate, all the teachers hate me,
even the dinner ladies hate me.
Marie: But you have to go to school, because you’re the…
Arsenio, entering: Headmaster?
David: Yes, even the headmaster hates me.
Marie: You’re the games teacher.
Arsenio: Well, you know what they say: Those who can, do…
Marie: Those who can’t, teach…
David snappily: Yes, and those who can’t teach are PE teachers, I know.
Arsenio: Well, you wouldn’t catch me in a school unless I absolutely had to
go there.
Marie: Yes, now hurry up and get ready or else we’ll be late. Jay!
Arsenio grudgingly puts on a blazer, school tie and cap. Jay comes bounding
down the stairs also dressed in school uniform, which a badge on his lapel
which reads "Perfect".
Jay: Come on, my good chum, let us make speed lest we be late for first
period!
Arsenio: He’s become a complete pain since he won head boy. I wouldn’t mind,
but he only got it because no one else wanted to do it.
Marie: Right, let’s go!
They all leave the flat to the left. The Cleaner enters, pushes the sofa off
to one side, and they all enter again on the right. David strides to the
centre of the room, while the rest scatter and leave from different exits.
The children enter, and arrange themselves in neat rows on the floor.
David: OK class, now get out you notebooks and advance to stage 14.
The children take notebook computers out of their backpacks, and link up
games controllers, and begin tapping the buttons. David starts walking up
and down the rows, observing their progress. He makes comments:
David: Good, good, now collect the jewels… watch out for the salamanders!…
no, no, no, it’s left, up, left, left, up, right, not left, up, left, right,
up, left! … Get your act together, what have you been doing? I bet you’ve
been running around outside playing football, instead of staying inside your
darkened bedroom practising your computer games! You’ll never grow up to be
a big strong accountant if you don’t familiarise yourself with the ins and
outs of space invaders! The girls won’t be impressed if you can’t get to
third base – on missile command.
David starts to notice that there is something wrong with the children. They
are all moving in synchronisation, and there is a dull glazed look in their
eyes.
David: Hey, what’s going on. This isn’t pacman! What is this program? It’s
strangely… ab… sorb… bing.
David’s head starts to nod in time with the children as he too is drawn into
the mysterious program. Suddenly, the bell rings, and David jerks back to
consciousness. The children start packing up their notebooks, and David
struggles to regain his authority.
David: Wait! The bell is a signal for me, not for you. Who is the bell for?
The screen lights up with the message "Ask not for whom the bell tolls".
David swings round to see the message and reacts with puzzlement. The
children use this as an opportunity to sneak out. The screen changes to
display "It tolls for the"
David: The? The? What on earth is the?
The screen changes again to display "-atre studies".
David: Theatre studies! Of course. Class, get out your theatres… [noticing
that they’ve gone]. Oh.
Scene 2
A busy corridor with stairs up, down and sideways. A constant stream of the
children rushes past going back and forth to get to lessons. A sequence of
bells rings in different tones, speeds and volumes as if to communicate some
complicated message. In the middle of all this stands Jay, attempting to
direct traffic and being completely ignored.
Jay: OK, slow down over there. You, come this way. 4C, single file,
crocodile fashion. XTC, get a move on, you’ll be late for physics. 2PiR,
you can wait to let others go past, it’s only history. ½ M v squared, what
are you doing going over there? You need to get to home macro economics.
More bells ring, and more kids rush past. The cleaner sidles up, and begins
alternately dusting and swiping the trophies from the school trophy cabinet.
Suddenly, all the children have disappeared.
Jay, seeing the cleaner: You there! If you don’t have a lesson then get to
the library and get started on your homework.
The cleaner reaches deep into her swag bag and pulls out a battered and tatty
envelope with Jay’s name on the front, and hands it over.
Jay: What? [opens letter, reads it, mouth falls open and he grows pale] But
this is impossible!
The cleaner moves over whilst fishing for something else in her bag.
Cleaner: What is it?
Jay: It’s an appointment for me to be bullied. But this is impossible! I
should be exempt from serving bully service. I’m head boy!
Cleaner, feigning surprise: Really? You never mentioned this before.
(before Jay has a chance to react, she finds what she is looking for in her
bag, a notice saying "Kick me". She reaches around to pat Jay on the back,
and in the process, sticks the sign on Jay’s back) I’m sure you’ll be able
to sort this out somehow.
Jay: Yes, I suppose so…
He walks off, revealing the back of his blazer entirely covered in notes,
mostly reading "Kick me", but also "Clean me", "dick head boy" and,
peculiarly, "Lick me".
Scene 3
The flat as a classroom again. This time Marie is standing at the front,
wearing a fancy dress skimpy "naughty nurse" costume on top of her regular
clothes. The screen reads "Personal, Social, Sexual, Hygenic, Medical,
Social, Citizenship, Communal, Social and Social Education (PSSHMSCCSSE)"
Marie: Hello, and welcome to this week’s PSSHMSCCSSE lesson. Now, instead of
the advertised lesson about why we shouldn’t murder other people, we will be
having a random drugs test.
She pauses, waiting for the class to groan, and is slightly surprised when
they don’t. Instead, they sit there in wrapt attention.
Marie: [to herself] Strange, they normally complain and then start trying to
cheat. [aloud] OK then, question one: from what plant is opium derived?
Time passes. Jay runs through the classroom, screaming and waving his arms.
Marie: And finally, question one hundred and sixty three: outline, with
diagrams, how you can synthesise LSD using common household ingredients. OK,
stop writing now please.
The children all stop writing in unison, holding their pens in place over the
page. Marie begins to collect in their papers.
Marie: Now, even if you don’t remember anything else from today’s lesson,
just remember, Say No To Drugs.
Class: No!
Marie: What? Look, it’s quite simple: Just Say No.
Class: NO!
Marie: Huh? Oh, I see: drugs
Class: No!
Marie: Drugs.
Class: No!
Marie: Drugs, drugs, drugs?
Class: No! No! No!
Marie: Well, I suppose that will do.
The bell rings. Marie begins cleaning the screen with a board duster, the
main effect of which is to cover the screen with chalk dust. She turns and
is surprised to see the whole class still sat there giving complete attention
to her every move.
Marie: Go on, hop it!
The class immediately get up and hop very quickly to the door.
Marie: Hmm.
David enters, pulls the couch back out, and slumps back down on it.
Marie: Have you noticed anything… strange… about the students today?
David: Mm, yeah. Have you seen the clothes they wear? Couldn’t have got
away with that in my day.
Marie: No, I mean today especially. They all seem somewhat… docile.
Subservient. Obedient.
David: Huh?
Marie: They did what I told them.
David: Yeah, mine too. I must have got really good at being a teacher. Hey,
did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?
Marie: Oh, that must have been quite unfortunate. I expect that the kids
would have made fun of him, and called him some quite unpleasant names as a
consequence. How easy it is to mock those who are different to ourselves…
David: No, listen, he couldn’t control his pupils.
Marie: Well, there you go – it just takes a slight physical difference, and
then you can’t shut them up.
David: No, don’t you get get it? Cross-eyed teacher – couldn’t control his
pupils – do you see?
Marie: Yes, I can see, but it sounds like his vision was a real problem for
him. I wonder if you can get treatment for that.
David: No, I… oh never mind.
Marie: Anyway, my point was that there’s certainly something strange going on
with the children.
David: They’re quiet, they do what I tell them, I’m not complaining.
Marie: I think we should ask someone about this. And there’s only one person
who can answer my questions.
David: Not… the headmaster? [there is a crack of thunder]
Marie: No. Not yet. I mean… the house master [there is another crack of
thunder]
David: The housemaster? [thunder]
Marie: Yes. Come on, let’s go. And bring an umbrella. I think it’s
raining.
Scene 4
A small dark room. Inside is a demon, a dragon, a balrog, and a dwarf. On
the table is a folder in front of the demon, plus a scattering of tattered,
well-thumbed books, and some dice.
Demon: OK, you find yourself confronted by three large, sinister bills: a gas
bill, credit card bill, and a mortgage repayment. What do you do?
Balrog: I will draw my chequebook!
Dwarf, suspiciously: How large for these bills look?
Demon: Very large, and the gas bill is overdue.
Dwarf (hissing breath over his teeth): Can I use my direct debit?
Dragon: I will attack in weekly instalments! Divide and conquer!
The door swings open, and all four gasp in pain at the influx of light,
followed by David and Marie.
Demon: What is this? Who dares to interrupt the world of the House master!
Marie: What’s going on here?
Demon: Foolish humans! Do you not recognise the expert players of Houses and
Humans? I am the all-powerful House Master, and this is Gygax the
bloodthirsty…
The dragon roars and breaths fire.
Demon: Sorry, Bloodtooth, game names: this is Clive the Accountant, Derek the
Insurance Agent, and Frank who is temporarily unemployed, but is seeking
work.
Marie looks confused.
David explains: Oh yeah, Houses and Humans, I used to play that. [baffled
pause from Marie] It’s a role playing game. You pretend to be a role. I
used to be a big cheese in the Houses and Humans Universe.
Marie [still trying to work things out]: You were a big cheese roll?
David: The point is, we’re here to… why are we here?
Marie: To find out what’s happened to the children. Why are they all
behaving?
Demon: Well, it’s nothing to do with me. Have you asked the vice principal?
David: The vice principal?
Demon: Yes, the principal in charge of vice. You’ll probably find him in the
school bordello.
Scene 5
Jay is rushing around in a panic, when he bumps into Arsenio.
Jay: Oh, thank goodness you’re here! You’ll protect me.
Arsenio: Sure! What from?
Jay: The b..b..b..bullies.
Arsenio: Oh – you’re down for a bullying are you? That must mean that you’re
my three’o’clock.
Jay: You’re wh…? But I’m the head boy! [shows Arsenio badge that says
‘perfect’]
Arsenio: Yes, and I’m the school bully [shows Jay a badge that says ‘bully’].
Jay: Wibble.
Arsenio: Look, I’ll make this easy on you. Where would you like to be hit?
Jay: B… I… B… Head Boy!
Arsenio: OK then. But don’t call me boy.
Jay: No, wait, I… there’s no way to stop you doing this?
Arsenio: Absolutely not. Now, where would you like to be hit?
Jay: Oh balls. Now, I… nooooo!
[Arsenio lunges]
Scene 6
Jay limps into the school nurse’s office, painfully dragging himself. Marie
is there, behind a desk, looking pensive.
Marie: Oh dear, been in the wars have we?
Jay [in much pain] : Yes, I… owww.
Marie: Well, never mind, I know just what to do. Come here and let me kiss
it better.
Jay: I [sounding forced] no, don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I’ll just sit down
for a bit.
Marie: Well, all right then. Have you ever heard of the vice principal?
Jay: Oh yes, he’s usually in the school bordello, under the gym. If you
crouch in the equipment locker, you can sometimes get a view through the
floorboards… not that I would know anything about that, it’s just what they
say in the dorms.
Marie: Right, well, we’re going there now.
Jay, sceptically: I don’t think that will help. If anything, it will make it
worse…
Scene 7
Marie, David and Jay all make their way down to the school bordello, reached
by climbing down a climbing rope in the school gym. They nervously approach
the door of the vice principal, and enter carefully. Sat at the desk is
Golem.
Golem: Yessss, my prescioussss?
Golem’s spittle begins to drench the three of them.
David: Erm, yes, hello. [speaking loudly and slowly as if to a foreigner].
We want to know what you’ve done to the children.
Golem: The sstranger wantsss to know about the ssstudentsss?
David: Yessss. Er, I mean yes.
Golem: Then, my preciousss, it will anssswer my riddlesss, yess?
David: Well, OK, sweetheart, this is rather cosy? Well, OK, you ask your
questions then we’ll ask you our questions. Go ahead.
Golem: Riddles it isss, my precious. What walks on four legs in the morning,
on one leg in the afternoon, rides a unicycle in the afternoonssss, likes to
stay in bed on Monday mornings, issss quite partial to a cup of tea, and
often goesss to the pub?
Jay: Oh, yes, I know this one: It’s a fridge. No, hang on a moment, he
didn’t say it was white. Hmm.
David: It’s a riddle, so is it some abstract concept like… scones?
Marie: A different number of legs… perhaps it’s some kind of folding table…
Arsenio [entering from the bordello, and pulling up his trousers as he
enters]: I know the answer: it’s a threat of violence.
Golem: No, no, my preciousss is sssafe!
Arsenio approaches Golem and looms over him: Let’s try that again: it’s a
threat of extreme violence, you see. You get me?
Golem realising: Yes, yesss! Violensssse it iss. OK, now ask your
questionsss!
Jay: I don’t get it. Why does the number of legs change?
Marie: Shut it! [she stamps on his foot, causing him to jump up and down on
one leg]
Arsenio: Now, what’s going on with all the pupils? They keep doing what I
tell them to. It makes bullying them no fun if they stick their heads down
the toilet without me having to hold them down.
Golem: Ah, my precioussss, my precioussss, I cannot ssssay. The demon
headmassster would not let me live if he knew I had dobbed on him.
Marie: Aha! The demon headmaster!
Golem: No, no, I didn’t sssay that!
Marie: And where can we find him?
Golem: No…
Arsenio: Try again [squeezing Golem’s neck]
Golem: Oh, my precious… he isss… in the assss…sssss…ssss
Arsenio: Come on, sssspit it out.
Golem: Ass…ssss
David: Aspirin?
Jay: Ascot?
David: Aspidistra?
Jay: Assured shorthold tenancy?
David: Ask a silly question?
Arsenio: Assholes! [tightens his grip on Golem’s neck]
Golem: sss…eek!… embly hall.
Marie: Of course! I could have found that from the timetable.
David [wiping the spittle from his face]: I wish you could have thought of
that earlier.
Golem: You will leave my precious alone now?
They start to leave. Before he leaves, Arsenio peels off a "Kick me" note
from Jay’s back, and sticks it on Golem. He then proceeds to kick Golem up
the backside.
Golem: Aiii! My precious ring!
Scene 8
The school assembly hall (also the school gym). The headmaster is at the
front, delivering a hypnotizing speech. Marie and David enter from the rear
doors, Jay enters by the side fire exit, and Arsenio abseils down the
climbing ropes.
Headmaster wearing a dark robe: You will obey your teachers, and you will
obey me.
Children: We will obey.
Headmaster: You will be my army of willing foot soldiers in the coming
battle.
Children: We will be your army of willing foot soldiers in the coming battle.
Headmaster: And when I am victorious, you will be my slaves and see to my
every whim, and wait on me hand and foot, and tend to my every need, and
change the channel on the screen for me, and guard my life with your own, and
bow to my every demand, and, and…
Children: Yeah, all that.
Jay [recklessly limping into the middle of the children]: Now, what’s going
on here? I’m head boy, I think I deserve to be involved in any school trips.
Marie: [hissing] Jay, get out of there!
Headmaster: Aha! A test for the loyalty of my programmed slaves. Pupils,
attack him and eat his brains!
Jay: No, not my brains! I like my brains.
Arsenio [from his safe vantage on the monkey bars]: You won’t miss them.
Children [advancing, zombie like]: Brains!
Jay: Yikes! Prefects, protect me. Prefects…!
Marie: I have an idea: drugs.
The children nearest to Marie turn to look at her, and begin shaking their
heads. Buoyed by confidence, she repeats it louder.
Marie: Drugs!
Children, stopping and turning: No?
Marie: DRUGS!
Children: NO!
Headmaster: Brains!
Children: Brains!
Marie: DRUGS!
Children: NO!
This carries on for some time, with the children getting increasingly
confused, until they begin to blow up like lemmings.
Jay: Eeek! What have you done?
David: It’s OK, they aren’t the real children, they’re just imitations. The
real children are in this equipment locker [he flings open a door, causing a
basketball to bounce out. He jumps back in shock, then looks in to see an
otherwise empty cupboard.] Oh no! You’ve killed them!
Marie: The other cupboard!
David: Oh, OK. [He opens the adjacent door to reveal it is wedged full of
children, looking as if they are about to burst out, but held in because they
are packed so tightly].
Arsenio: Never mind them, let’s sort out this stench-wad [he pulls the cloak
off the headmaster, to reveal… a glistening T-800 terminator robot, with two
red eyes glistening back.
Arsenio: Another robot?
Terminator headmaster: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain: he has
nothing to do with this!
David / Jay together: What man? What curtain?
Marie pulls up a curtain at the side to reveal You Bastard operating an
immensely complicated remote control. He manipulates some of the controls,
and the terminator waves sheepishly.
You Bastard: Er, hi.
Jay, limping over and wheezing slowly: Ah… You… Bastard.
You Bastard: Er, Yes, hi everyone, um, you’ve caught me at a bad time, since
my robot army appears to have exploded leaving me defenceless, and I suppose
you’re a bit annoyed about everything,
David: Why you…! I should…
Arsenio moving behind You Bastard: Don’t worry, I’ll do it for you.
David’s eye’s widen as from off we hear:
[Thump] You Bastard: Aiii! My precious ring!
Scene 9
Back in the flat the screen is displaying "All’s Swell that Ends Swell", and
a few of the children are lounging around, still in the contorted positions
that they were in when they were stored in the cupboard.
David: There’s just [counts on his fingers, which takes some time] seven
things that I don’t understand.
Marie [has replaced her nurses uniform with a smoking jacket and a hookah
from which she is occasionally blowing bubbles] : Go on.
David: So how did you know that shouting that word at the children would
cause them to explode?
Marie: Well, I guessed that if they had been programmed to obey teachers then
if I gave them contradictory orders then they would get confused, and
hopefully give us enough time to escape. But I suppose that Bastard didn’t
program them very well, so it caused their positronic brains to implode.
Arsenio : What a load of rubbish! You just made all that up! You don’t have
a clue how they work, and you just got lucky.
Marie: Well…
Arsenio: And another thing, if those things that blew up were robots, then
why did he have to hypnotise them? And why did he need a robot to be
headmaster in his place? The whole thing makes no sense whatsoever. I think
you made the entire story up.
Marie: But you were there! You saw everything!
Arsenio: I deny it all.
Jay: Well, there’s another thing I don’t understand: why was the answer to
the riddle "violence"?
Cleaner [humming to herself]: Brains, drugs, brains, drugs.
One of the children hears this, uncontorts itself, and starts shuddering more
and more. Suddenly it blows up, harming no one but blowing a big hole
through the front door. The cleaner begins to dust around the mess,
pretending not to have had anything to do with it.
STOP.